


like blood underneath your fingernails

by ShyAudacity



Series: The Trauma Squad [2]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Coming Out, Crying, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, Implied Sexual Content, John is a Mechanic, Laf is barely in this, Mental Health Issues, Minor Violence, Multi, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Polyamory, Sad John, Verbal Abuse, but then, it doesn't, like it almost happens
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-26
Updated: 2016-10-26
Packaged: 2018-08-27 06:01:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8389942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShyAudacity/pseuds/ShyAudacity
Summary: When he was ten, John broke his collar bone because he’d fallen on the staircase. That’s what he had told his teacher, the neighbors, his siblings.
That was the first time his father laid a hand on him.
OR
A small look into John's relationship with his father, past to present.





	

**Author's Note:**

> There is no specific timeline to this series. I just write what comes to mind, haha. I don't own anything and all mistakes are my own fault. Please tell me if I missed any tags.

John’s hands are always dirty, or at least they look that way. He gathers that it’s the price of being a mechanic. The day he learns that his father is moving to town and opening a campaign office down the block from his shop, he scrubs his hands in the sink until they shine red. He says nothing to Alex or Lafayette, paranoid that they’ll tell him that he’s overreacting.

The week that he moves in and begins setting up his office, John has three panic attacks in two days. After he nearly has a fourth one, he finally tells Lafayette and Alex, and they spend the rest of the night cuddling him. As much as he wants to, he doesn’t refuse it.* 

*

When he was ten, John broke his collar bone because he’d fallen on the staircase. That’s what he had told his teacher, the neighbors, _his siblings_. While it was true that he’d fallen down the stairs, he’d had some assistance from his father. It was late, Henry had come home drunk and John was the only one who was still awake. After John began to cry from the fall, his father told him to be quiet so that he wouldn’t wake up his siblings.

That was the first time his father laid a hand on him.

After that, the abuse was mostly verbal. Every conversation was filled with put downs and cruel remarks; John acted like it wasn’t hurting him. He didn’t say anything to anyone, he knew that it would be his Father’s words over his. Because who wants to believe the son of a politician who says that their father beats them when he has had too much to drink.

Next to nobody.

*

He hadn’t meant to say it.

Alex and John are in their new apartment, their first real apartment together, and they have decided that they must christen every room in their small home. So they’re on the couch, where they’ve been making out for the last twenty minutes and things are getting heated. John rolls his hips against Alex and he groans.

“Fuck, Jack.”

John stills, then recoils away from his lover to the other end of the couch. Alex looks at him with a confused, yet concerned face.

“What’s the matter?”

“Jack. You called me Jack.”

“Oh. Okay, is that alright or-.”

“Don’t.” he sputters. “Please don’t call me that. He only called me that when he was angry, please, please don’t get angry. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

“Hey, hey no it’s okay.” Alex says, trying to calm him down. “Don’t apologize, you didn’t do anything wrong, John. Do you want a hug?”

John shook his head, curling himself into a ball at his end of the couch. He watched Alex stand up and leave. He panicked, thinking that Alex was going to leave him for good. Instead, Alex came back with a blanket a few minutes later, he draped it over Johns trembling figure. He made himself eye level with John.

“How about we save the christening for tomorrow, okay?”

John nodded, and Alex kissed his head, then left him alone, walking off to their bedroom.

Later, after John is feeling immensely less panicked, he crawls into bed with Alex and curls around him. Neither one of them say anything.

 *

The year that he figured out that he’s gay was also the year the learned that he was good at his hands. He was 16 and he knew better than to tell anybody. The last thing that he needed was someone finding out and telling his father, lord knows how that fight would have ended.

Henry’s car had broken down one day. Before he’d even thought to call for a mechanic, John had already popped the hood and figured out what was wrong with it. That was the first time that his father looked at him like he wasn’t entirely useless.

Somehow, it made him feel good.

*

He’s at the grocery store buying soup because Laf was home, sick in bed. John had walked to the store down the street from their apartment. He’s trying to decide between chicken and tomato when a familiar voice calls his name.

“Jack?”

He stiffens, then turns around.

It’s his sister. His younger sister, Martha, whom he hasn’t seen since he was eighteen and he left home. She’s the only one of his family members that he’s kept contact with. It’s been a few weeks since they last spoke on the phone, and now here she is, standing in front of him. He still has vivid memories of the last time he saw her in person. The night before he left for college.

_“I still don’t understand why you can’t just go to the community college here in town like everyone else.”_

_“Because I don’t want to. Besides, I can’t get a law degree there.”_

_“You don’t even want to be a lawyer.” She dead panned._

_“What Dad doesn’t know won’t kill him.”_

_“Will you at least tell me where you’re going? Since you somehow have managed to not tell anyone other than our father.”_

_“Nope.”_

_“Why not?”_

_“Because, I wouldn’t want my little sister showing up at my college parties, now would I?” Jack tells her with a smirk. She stands above him while he sits on the bed._

_“I’m gonna miss you.”_

_“I know, I’ll miss you too, kid.”_

_“Then why are you going away? Everyone here loves you. I don’t understand why you feel the need t-.”_

_“Martha, I’m gay.” The words fall out of his mouth before he can stop himself from saying them. Her eyes widen for a moment before she nods._

_“Okay.” She responds quietly. “That’s okay.”_

_Then Jack is crying. Ugly, loud, obnoxious crying, a sound that he did not know that he was capable of making. He hugs Martha around her waist, and continues to cry, his face pressed firmly into her stomach. She hugs him back, petting his hair, whispering into his ear, she says:_

_“What Dad doesn’t know won’t kill him.”_

That memory has shown up in many of John’s nightmares. For a solid minute, he thinks that he’s in one. Thinks that his father is going to come around the corner, grow into a giant, then start screaming at them. Then, he realizes that he’s been staring at his sister the whole time and she’s starting to get a worried look on her face.

“Hi.” He says, unsure of his own voice.

“Hi,” she says back. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you, I just- uh, can I give you a hug?”

He doesn’t necessarily feel like being touched right now, but he says yes anyways. She moves forward, hugging him around the shoulders. Somehow, he reminds himself to do something, and hugs her around the waist like he did all those years ago in her bedroom. She cradles the back of his head before pulling away.

“I’ve been wanting to do that for six years.”

“What are you doing here?” He asks.

“Dad is having some big office party and he asked me and Samantha to help host. I’m on a lunch run. Why are you here?”

“I live here, in town. Alex and I moved here after college. How long are you in town for?”

“Just the weekend. But I’ll be back to help Dad with the office a lot. Maybe next time we can get together and catch up?”

“Okay.” He regrets it as soon as he says it, but he can’t tell her that, she’s too busy smiling at him like he just won her the sun.

“That sounds great. Look, I gotta go before he starts to get suspicious, but it was really great to see you, Jack. I’ve missed you a lot.” She hugs him once more, then leaves before he can get another word out.

The panic that had been building when he first saw his sister has now sky rocketed. He finds himself sitting in the middle of the aisle, phone pressed to his ear before he realizes that any time has passed.

_“John? John, are you okay?”_

“Alex.” He rasps out.

_“Hey, hey baby, I’m here. What’s going on?”_

“Can you come g-get me?”

_“Yeah, yeah of course. Where are you?”_

“Store. By the apartment.”

_“Okay. Okay, I’ll be there in five minutes, alright? Hang tight.”_

Three and a half minutes later, Alex is walking into the aisle, then sprinting towards John.

“Hi.” He manages.

“Hey, love. Can you stand?”

John shrugs then allows Alex to pull him to his feet. He ushers them both out to Alex’s car, where John curls into the seat. They get home, and John walks straight into the spare bedroom, climbs in, and pulls the covers over his head.

He’s too tired to cry.   

*

It only took two months.

John is at his mechanic’s shop, near the end of the day and his other workers already went home. He’s staying late, trying to finish up the car that he’s working on before the sun goes down. He hears somebody walk into the shop and he’s speaking before he’s even turned around.

“Is there someone here who can give me a jump start?” A man’s voice says, John thinks that maybe he’s heard it somewhere before.

“I’m sorry but the shop is closed,” He says turning around, “And we don’t except-.”

His throat closes out of panic. John’s father is standing in the entry way. Same haircut, same familiar suit tie, looking ten years older than the last time he’d seen him.

John wishes that he’d shut the garage door sooner.

* 

The last time he saw his father, he was still in college. It was the same day that Alex found out about the years of abuse that John had endured. It started in the morning with a text from his sister.

Martha: _“Heads up. Dad stormed out of the house last night saying that he needed to have a ‘little chat’ with you. I don’t know what that means, but it doesn’t sound good.”_

John no more reads the text than does someone knock on the door to his dorm room, his stomach drops. Hesitantly, he opens the door to find his father on the other side, red in the face with anger.

“Dad?”

“You wanna explain to me why I got a letter from your school saying that you switched majors? We did not discuss this.”

“I-I uh, I was-.”

“I don’t want to hear it.” Henry gripes, pushing his way inside of the small room. “Business, John? Really? What the hell are you going to do with a business degree?”

“It’s better than being a lawyer.” John mumbles.

“I’m sorry, do you wanna say that again?”

“I don’t want to be a lawyer, okay? I never have. But that’s the only thing that you wanted to talk about, so I went along with it. Just like I went along with everything else that happened at our house. I just wanted to make a decision for myself, is that so bad?”

“When you don’t ask first, then yes, John, it is. Why can’t you just do what you’re told? I wouldn’t have had to punish you so much while you were growing up if you had just listened.”

“Punish me? You called that punishment? You’re unbelievable, I’m not some puppet, Dad. You can’t control everything that I do, not anymore.”

“You’ll do what I say, whether you damn well like it or not, you sorry excuse for a kid.” Henry all but yells, lunging for John.

One hand finds the collar of his shirt. The other one, around his neck, threatening to squeeze. He locks eyes with his father. The same icy blue eyes that he’s been afraid of his entire life, the same eyes that the rest of his siblings have. It’s the one thing that he has always been sure of, that he would never fit in with the rest of his family. John’s father always seemed to target him; he’s starting to figure out why that is.

“Don’t make me hurt you, son.” Henry says. “Don’t turn me into one of those fathers who hurts their kid.”

“Funny. I thought you already were.”

His father’s eyes grow wide and suddenly, John is on the ground. Flat on his back, his father wailing on him with a brass knuckle fist, it connects to his face again and again. The hand is at his throat and-

“Hey, get the hell off of him!” A voice yelled. A second later, the hands are no longer touching him.

John looks up haphazardly, and his father is halfway across the room, looking a hundred shades of mortified. Alex, _his Alex_ , is standing above him, acting as a human shield. Henry scrambled to his feet, his clothes rumpled from the altercation.  

“Get the hell out of here.”

“You don’t know what you’re doing, kid. This wasn-.”

“I don’t care,” Alex yells, practically spitting in his face. “John is my best friend, my favorite person in the _entire world_. I swear to god, if I ever find out that you went after him like this again I will single handedly end your career.”

“Do you know who you’re talking to? Do you know who I am?”

“I don’t care. But believe me, English isn’t the only language I can use to ruin your life, bitch.”

Henry glared at him, then looked down at John, shook his head and left. John pushed himself to his feet, then settled himself on his bed, feeling lightheaded. He knew that his hands were shaking, but he couldn’t stop himself; he was too terrified.

Alex had been there. He had _seen_ what his father was capable of. Yet, he hadn’t left, instead, he seated himself next to John on the bed, careful not to touch him.

“Does that happen often?”

“No, it’s mostly verbal.” he mumbled, his lip quivering. John wasn’t entirely sure why he was crying. He hadn’t been so terrified before in his entire life. He’d seen his father angry before, sure, election season wasn’t fun for anybody when Henry Laurens was involved. But he could still feel the ghost of his father’s hand at his throat and damn it if he wasn’t mortified that it would happen again. A familiar voice speaks to him, and he cannot stop himself from flinching.

“Sweetheart?” Alex says in a quiet, gentle tone. “John, is it okay if I hold you? You’re shaking a lot, and I-.”

John practically throws himself into his boyfriend’s lap, curling into the fetal position as soon as contact is made. Every bad experience that he’s ever had with his father starts replaying itself in John’s head. All of the “accidents” he had. Every cruel word that was ever spit in his face as a kid, loud like gunshots inside of his brain.

“I got you, John. It’s okay.” Alex coos in his ear. “I’m here, okay? I’m not going to leave you.”

Even though it’s early, he falls asleep to his words, they drown out the rest of the noise going on inside his head. He wakes up later and Alex is still there, still holding him because he knows that he needs it.

Afterwards, John doesn’t look at himself in the mirror for nearly a week.

* 

“Of all the places in the world, this is the city you decide to move to?” Henry says, breaking the silence. John was hoping that his old man wouldn’t recognize him, his hair had been much shorter the last time they’d seen each other, and John had gained some muscle over the years. Luck wasn’t on his side, it seemed.

“For the record, I’ve been here much longer than you have… I ran into Martha.”

“When?”

“A few weeks back, I figured that she would have told you, but I guess that she didn’t. I was kind of hoping that this situation wouldn’t happen. Especially not here, while I’m at work.” he grimaces, rubbing his hands together.

“Oh? So this is what you did with your business degree? An auto shop?” He spits, looking around. “Jesus Christ, where did I go wrong with you Jack? You were going to be a lawyer, make a name for yourself. Now look at you.”

“First off, don’t call me Jack. Secondly, I’m doing just fine, thank you very much. You want to know something else? I don’t need you. I didn’t need you six years ago, hell I didn’t even need you as a kid, and I don’t need you now.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“You didn’t do jack shit for me.” John bellows, stepping forward. “All you ever did was push me around and make me feel useless, like I wasn’t welcomed. Well guess what _Henry,_ you don’t get to do that anymore, so get the hell out of my shop.

Henry’s face twists into something of anger and he reaches for John, who stops him in his tracks.

“New to town Politician Assaults Mechanic after he refuses a jumpstart… that would make for quite the headline, now wouldn’t it? I know people who could ruin your career with a snap of their fingers, don’t think that I won’t do it. Now I’m not going to tell you again. Go home, Henry.”

He can feel the adrenaline coursing through his body as he watches Henry leaves. Then, he thinks of something else.

“Hey, pops.” He calls, Henry stills. “I’m gay.”

“I’m your father, you think I don’t know that?” Henry says, turning back to him. He shakes his head, saying: “You could have been so good, John.”

After he’s well out of sight, John throws his toolbox against the nearest wall, then calls it a day. He goes back to the apartment, finds Laf and Alex at the table, laughing at something. A sensation of both pride and joy washes over him, and he makes it a point to kiss them both a little longer than he usually would.

“I ran into my father today.” He tells Alex later that night.

“Oh? How did that go?”

“He didn’t recognize me. No big deal.” John lies. He figures that if he really needs to, he can tell Alex the truth about what happened that day at a later time.

About a week later, Henry Laurens announces that he’s closing his campaign office and going back to South Carolina.

John counts it as a small win in his book. 

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Looking Too Closely by Fink
> 
> Thanks for reading, let me know what you thought about it. Have a great day!


End file.
